Pretending or is This Real
by Beloveddorian
Summary: How do you know if someone loves you? Will you push them away before you know? Will you get a second chance? Probably not. COMPLETE
1. Will You Go Out With Me?

Pretending Or Is This Real  
  
By: Vapid Breath  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho or any other anime.  
  
Warnings: This story contains yaoi, cursing, attempted suicide, and other stuff.  
  
Laying in his bed Hiei began to think. He thought about his life, his family, his school, and him. The only person to get under his skin, to make him actually feel, and give him a reason to live. Yet, he didn't even know any of this. He probably didn't think of Hiei as much as Hiei thought of him.  
  
(Hiei POV)  
  
I can't take this. It hurts. All of it. This stupid life. I didn't do anything to deserve this. Then here he comes. Just walking into my life. Getting ready to walk right back out like everyone else. He doesn't love me. He never will. He's just screwing with me. With my mind. Making believe in these feelings. Making me believe in love. I can't understand any of this.   
  
(Normal POV)  
  
A ringing from his nearby phone brought Hiei from his thoughts. Sighing he answered it.  
  
"Speak."  
  
"Um...Hiei?" Him. Why'd he have to call now?   
  
"Kurama. What do you want?" Just hang up. Let me be. Stop trying to hurt me.  
  
"I-I was wondering if you wanted to go out Saturday. I understand if your busy." After getting no answer Kurama was about to hang up.  
  
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you. Bye."  
  
"Why?" Why is he doing this? Why does he pretend like this? Why does he confuse me so much?  
  
"Why? Because I like you and would like to get to know you better." He likes me. Why? Why would he like me?  
  
"All right. I'll pick you up Saturday at eight." I can pretend you really do like. That you really do love me like I do you.  
  
"You know where I live?" Of course. I've followed you home before. I've driven by countless times. Just to get a glimpse of you. Just to pretend.  
  
"Yes, I'll see you Saturday. Bye." I don't even give you a chance to say bye. I bet I hurt your feelings doing that. They should be hurt. Think of how you hurt mine. Always pretending. Acting like you like me. Like you care for me. Kurama...  
  
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	2. Will You Come Over?

Pretending Or Is This Real  
  
By: Vapid Breath  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or any other anime.  
  
Hiei's POV  
  
It's now Saturday. I walk calmly to your door. I knock loud enough for you to hear. You answer it. You always have that smile on your face. It's beautiful. Your beautiful.   
  
We walk to my car. I love the way your long red hair sways with each step. I long to touch it. To run my hands through the rosy locks. I love the way it frames your face. Your pale sculpted face. How I long to touch you. To feel the soft skin heat at my fingertips. To hold you in my arms and look into the green orbs that reflect your soul.  
  
I open your door and close it once your in. I walk to the other side and get in. I pause a moment and just stare at the steering wheel. Looking as if it will answer all my questions.  
  
"Hiei, are you okay?" I hear you say. Your voice is so smooth and alluring. I love the way my name floats from your lightly pink lips. I burn to hear it in pleasure. I nod to answer your question and start the ignition. I slip my seat belt on and watch you do the same before pulling off.  
  
I always drive at a steady pace. Never to fast and never to slow. I watch as the moon disappears and darkness begins to take over. It's only 8:15. Darkness always gets its way. Darkness always destroys light. Just like hate always destroys love. I didn't think I could love again. Not after what he did to me. Then you came.  
  
"What did you say we were going to see?"  
  
"Van Helsing." My voice is so cold. It's vapid. Lifeless. You don't seem to notice. You continue to smile. Your smile. No one is that happy. Not around me. I only cause pain and sadness. Your just pretending. You don't care.  
  
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The movie was rather good. It was very interesting. You seem to have enjoyed it. During the movie you held my hand. I guess you didn't see or feel the shiver it caused. Your hand was so soft. So clean. It didn't need to be touched by dirty hands. My hands.  
  
You didn't let go. Not until we reached my car. Inside the car I paused again. I didn't know what to do. Was it over? Do I just drop you off and forget about everything? Forget about this night of pretending?  
  
"Do you want to...to come over?" What for? To keep pretending. It hurts to much. I look you in the eyes and I see your hopeful smile wavering. I don't want to hurt you so I just agree. I do want to be with you longer. I just hate that you pretend. Stop pretending you care.  
  
Please review. Thank you for reviewing and reading. I appreciate it.


	3. Do You Really Want This?

** Pretending Or Is This Real**  
  
**By:** Vapid Breath   
  
**Disclaimer**: I do not own **YYH** or any other animes  
  
**E-mail**: vapidbreathaol.com or vapidfemaleaol.com  
  
Ten minutes later we arrived at your home. Together we walked inside. I didn't see any cars around or any shoes by the door, so I suspected we were alone.

You asked me to take a seat and I did so on a brown couch. It was an earthy color that went with the theme of your living room. Like something that would be in the background in a picture of a rose. Like you."Would you like something to drink?" I declined your offer. I watch as you move to the couch and sit beside me. You move so gracefully. Like an expert thief or a swaying flower."Are you okay, Hiei? You've seem distant this entire evening. Did I do something wrong?" You made me love you. Nothing could be more wrong. You don't even love me. Your just pretending. Just like he did.I don't answer you. I just look at you. I stare into your eyes and I see your sadness. I don't understand it. Why would you be sad? You are truly something special. That's why it hurts so much to love you. Your to special to love me. To kiss me. To touch me. I want to do all that to you. I want to kiss your problems away and hold you to protect you from the world. I want to love you and be loved so that nothing can separate us.I say nothing as you scoot closer. Your leaning towards me. Then it happens. Time slows down and my world stops. Your lips press against me and life has meaning. Then it's gone and my world crashes. I need that feeling again so I press are lips back together. Seconds later are lips are in motion. Caressing each other with unspoken passion. My hands fine their way to your hair and tip your head back. I slide my tongue through your awaited lips. You don't stop me. I love this feeling.Moment later we pull apart. Both panting from the lack of air. I love the look of a light pink caressing your cheeks and your lips parted and swollen from the kiss. Could you be anymore captivating?"W-would you like to go up stairs?" You sound unsure. I wonder if you even really want this."Is that what you want?" I need to know.You don't answer me with words. Instead, you pull me into another breathe taking kiss. Together we walk up stairs. Touching and kissing whenever we get the chance. I don't want this to end. Reaching your door I press you against it. Pulling are bodies close I let you feel my growing erection. You push your hips forward, grinding against me."Not here. Bed." You say in a husky voice. You could make me come just from talking like that. Everything about you screams, "Seduction." Everything about you is sexy.I give you time to turn around. I listen to you moan as I grind against you from behind. I want to be closer to you. Inside you. I let you open the door and we walk in. Our lips once again connected. We walk through the room until we reach your bed. You climb on it and I on you. I love the feeling of my body pressed against yours. Of your legs wrapped around my waist. And my name whispered through your lips.**pretendingoristhisreal struggle mydefinitions theroseanddarkness pretendingoristhisrealstru**  
  
Please review and rate. Next chapter will have a lemon. Thank you for reading this story. Please read my other stories. I love you all. I'm sorry it's so short. I don't know how to make it longer without putting to much in it. If there are any suggestions please put them in the review or e-mail them to me. I'd appreciate it.**PS** Someone made a comment about my user name. Vapid may mean arrogant but it also means without life. Vapid breath means lifeless breath. I just wanted to clear that up. Thank you for asking about it. I don't want any one to be confused about it. 


	4. Do I Need This Life?

Pretending or is This Real  
  
By: Vapid Breath  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or any other anime.  
  
Warnings: This story contains yaoi, cursing, attempted suicide, and maybe character death. That is a big maybe.  
  
Author's note(s): I hope that it isn't to short. I'm trying to update whenever possible. I won't have any updates after Thursday until Tuesday.  
  
Chapter Four  
  
"Hiei, is something wrong?" I can feel your warm breath caressing my parted lips. I need to kiss you again. I need to regain the connection we had. I need you.  
  
Instead of answering your question, I did what you didn't several moments ago and let actions speak louder than words. I grind by hips down hard. I moaned in satisfaction as you rubbed back. I stop a moment and almost laugh at your puzzled look.  
  
"I want your close off."  
  
"You seem like the blunt type." I started to make a witty remark. Something like how could it be blunt if I already have your legs spread. But I decided against it. I didn't want to hurt you.  
  
I climbed off you and stood beside the bed. I slipped off my black sleeveless shirt and watched as you unbuttoned you green shirt. It is amazing how much it matches your eyes. I've never seen something as alluring as your magnificent orbs.  
  
I was starting on my pants when a light was cast through your bedroom window and the sound of a car pulling up was heard. I looked to you for an explanation and saw both embarrassment and fear. Fear. Something I've seen in everyone's eyes. Except mine. Fear is but a four letter word.  
  
"You have to go! My mother is home!" I hurriedly pulled my shirt on and rushed down the stairs. I grabbed my shoes as the knob to the front door began to turn. I ran back upstairs to your room.  
  
"How am I supposed to get out?" My voice still had it's cold tone.   
  
"Can you climb? Go out the window." I did as told without so much a look back or even a good-bye. I had too many thoughts to put together.  
  
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Fifteen minutes later I was home. I unlocked the front door and went inside. I didn't bother taking my shoes off. I mad sure the door was locked before going upstairs. Reaching the first room I opened the door. I peered inside and look over at the sleeping form lying peacefully on a bed. She was beautiful. The complete opposite of me. Everything I've wanted to be and at the same time everything I wanted to destroy. She was pure, innocent, light. My sister. Yukina.  
  
I closed the door and continued on my way to my room. I walked inside and kicked off my shoes. I pulled off my shirt and walked to my bed. There I just collapsed. I was too tired to do anything else. I wasn't physically tired. I was mentally exhausted.  
  
I had too many things to worry about. I had to maintain a certain grade average because of my constant playing with the law. I'd been to the juvenile detention facility several times. I was a fire starter. I had a thing for the blaze. It was captivating and dangerous at the same time. It gave me the rush I needed.  
  
Another thing that gave me a rush was fear. The look of pure fear in the eyes of someone I detest. Only those of little mind fear. Fear is but a four letter word. Those who live in fear shall never rise the pressures of life. Everyone fears me. Except Yukina. Except him.  
  
Yukina. It was strange how I met her. I'd been disowned by my mother and never met my father. When I found out I had a twin sister that my mother kept I began a frantic search for her. All of my search was useless. It turned out she'd been looking foe me too. Neither of us found each other the way we expected. We met at an ice-cream parlor. Who would have thought that my love for ice cream would bring me to my long lost sister? We bought a house together and have been with each other ever since. All my life she had been the only person to ever tear down the wall around my heart. It took her a long time. Kurama has just begun.  
  
So many things come to mind when I think of Kurama. He feels me with so many emotions. Hatred, love, lust, anger, and many more. I want to hold him and make love to him and at the same time I wish to kill his light that dares to invade my darkness.  
  
Long ago someone once told me that suicide wasn't a choice. That it was something that happened when a person exceeded resources for coping with pain. I've always wondered if it were true. If people would blame me for my own death.   
  
Gaining some energy I lifted myself up and stood. I walked over to my mirror and reached behind it. I pulled out a small bag filled with many colors of pills. I searched for my book bag to take out the bottle of water I had had earlier. Finding it I took it out and twisted the top off. I sat it down on a nearby desk. Looking through the bag of pills I took out three curvy blue ones. I don't even remember where I got them or if they are even from this year. I don't really care.  
  
Popping all three in my mouth I grabbed my water and took a swallow. I frowned at the taste of the warm water bitter from just sitting out in the heat and the chalky taste of the pills. I went back to my bed and collapsed once again. I just laid there. I didn't try closing my eyes. I didn't try sleeping or even moving. I stared up at the ceiling beckoning it to burst into a thousand flames with my eyes.   
  
I had no idea how long I had been laying there. Just staring. Not a single thought going through my mind. Finally I realized I wasn't going any where. Death was not around the corner looking for a moment to strike. I needed to speed things up. I once again heaved myself from my bed and went to my pills. I took out three more. They were square and a light brown. They were a lot stronger, I knew, than the other ones. I popped them into my mouth and drank some more water as I had done before.  
  
I was about to go back to my bed when I heard the phone ringing. Sighing deeply I walked to the living room to answer it. I picked it up and said in an always cold voice, " Speak."  
  
"Hello, Hiei. It's me. Kurama." He always calls at the worst time.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"I- Well I wanted to apologize. I didn't expect my mother home so early." He went on to apologize and explaining thins but I could understand what he was saying. I stumbled a bit, suddenly feeling very dizzy. The pills were taking affect quicker than I had thought.  
  
I was about to sit when everything left me. I couldn't speak. I couldn't see. I couldn't move. The last thing I heard before darkness completely left me was my name coming from the other end of the phone.  
  
pretendingoristhisrealstrugglemydefinitionstheroseandfirepretendingoristhisrealstruggle  
  
How do you like it? I know I said a lemon would be in this chapter but in the middle of writing it I decided against it. Sorry. I hope your not upset. Please review, rate, and give suggestions. Don't forget to read my other stories! Thank you.  
  
VB 


	5. Why Did You Do It?

Pretending or is This Real  
  
By: Vapid Breath  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or any other anime.  
  
Warning(s): This story contains yaoi, cursing, attempted suicide, and maybe character death. That is a big maybe.  
  
Author's note(s): I hope that it isn't to short. I'm trying to update whenever possible.   
  
E-mail: Vapidfemaleaol.com or Obsessionanimeaol.com  
  
Chapter Five  
  
"How's he doing?" A voice. I know that voice. It's the same voice that haunts me in the land of dreams. Kurama.  
  
"He seems to be awakening now. Would you like to see him?" Slowly I began opening my eyes. Everything was a blur. I could make out the three figures hovering around me. Opening my eyes a bit more my sight began to focus.  
  
"Oh, Hiei. I'm so glad your awake." Yukina attached herself to my side. Hugging me tightly. Kurama just stood there. He had a look of sadness in his eyes. It didn't suit him. Someone like him should never be sad.   
  
Beside him stood a man with a white coat on. I assumed him to be the doctor. He watched us and waited a minute before he began to speak.  
  
"Hello, I'm Dr. Taisho. Do you know what happened?" I remember darkness and a voice.   
  
Taking my silence as an answer he began to tell me. "We found Methyldopa, Thiazide diuretics, sulfadoxine, and pyrimethamine in your system. We were forced to pump your stomach to remove the poison. How do you feel?"   
  
"Tired. I feel exhausted and weak. I want to leave." Weakness. Something I thought I'd never feel. Something I didn't think I'd admit to a stranger or even worse Him.  
  
"Don't worry about that. Those are just some side effect from the drugs. It will not last longer than a week or maybe two. I can't permit you to leave unless you have someone to take care of you." The doctor paused a moment before asking, "How did the drugs get in your system?"  
  
I couldn't look at anyone. I didn't want Yukina to look down on me. I didn't want Kurama to feel sorry for me. I didn't want some doctor acting as if he knows what I'm going through.  
  
"If your were unwillingly drugged I can't let you go without the police checking in on this. I really need for you to tell me. Would you like to talk alone?"  
  
"I took them. I did it to myself." Not another word was spoken. I closed my eyes not able to look at anyone. I could hear Yukina sobbing at my side and felt guilt for the first time in my life. I had let the one person who loved me with no selfish intentions down. I didn't mean for any of this to happen.   
  
Finally reopening my eyes, I looked around the room. My eyes just happened to land on Kurama. He hadn't spoken to me since I first awoke. I wish I could read minds. I long to know what thoughts entangle themselves in Kurama's head.  
  
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A week. It had been a week since I left the hospital. Yukina was given the responsibility to take care of me. I've always seemed to heal faster when I'm with her. It had also been a week since I last saw Kurama. It was like he was avoiding me. I hadn't been to school because of my condition. I was still tired all the time and my muscles felt weak and useless. I hated every second of it.  
  
I need Kurama like I needed the those pills. He's an addiction with far worse withdrawal symptoms than any drug I've tried.   
  
I was startled when I heard a familiar ringing. I stood up from the chair I'd been sitting in and went to the source of the noise. Reaching it I picked up the receiver and said in my usual tone," Speak."  
  
"Hiei." Nothing else needed to be said for me to know who it was. It was the voice I'd been needing to hear for over a week.  
  
"I've missed you." It's funny for me to say that. Why would I miss him? I fell in love with him, went on one date with him, let him know that I tried to commit suicide and still I don't know how he feels about me.  
  
"Why did you do it?" So many answers to that one question. I did it because I let a foolish emotion like love destroy my life. I did it because I only caused pain to my sister who was cursed to love me. I did it because I learned early that people will pretend to love you to get what they want.   
  
"I did it because it's better to burn out then to fade away."  
  
"Suicide is not the answer. There is neither honor nor redemption in that."  
  
I didn't respond. Why would I? Why should I? He was right. I had become what I saw in others. Weak. Pathetic. Worthless. I couldn't take life so I tried to end it. I was running away instead of facing my problems. I was being a coward. Living in fear. The one thing I didn't think I was capable of.  
  
None of this makes since. I was taught that death was supposed to come before surrender. I chose death before I surrendered to the pain of life. Why is this shit so confusing?  
  
"Hiei? Are you still there?"   
  
"I need to see you. Now." I hung up. Not caring about what else you have to say. I know you'll come. I don't know how I know. I just do.  
  
pretendingoristhisrealpretendingoristhisrealpretendingoristhisrealpretendingoristhisrealpr  
  
"Suicide is not the answer. There is neither honor nor redemption in that." Kurama  
  
That is an actual quote from Kurama that I decided to use. I will have a lemon in the next chapter. I hope... Thank you to all who read and reviewed. It means alot to me. If there are any suggestions feel free to e-mail them or put them in a review. Please read and review my other stories if you do or don't like this story. Thank you. - VB 


	6. Is This What I Need?

Title: Pretending or is This Real?  
  
Author: Vapidbreath  
  
Genre(s): Romance/Angst/Yaoi  
  
Warning(s): This chapter has male sex. (Unless this is on )  
  
Rating: R  
  
Feedback: Please let me know what you think.  
  
E-mail:  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own YYH or any other anime.  
  
Pairings: Hiei/Kurama mentions of mystery person/Hiei in other chapters.  
  
Summary: Kurama might just be the light that Hiei needs to shine through his darkness.  
  
Author's note(s): Thank you to all the reviewers who kept reading and reviewing. I wouldn't have finished if it weren't for you. Please check out my other stories. The lemon is on and  
  
Chapter: 6  
  
The moment I heard the doorbell I ran down the stairs and at was in front of the door. I opened it and there you were. Your emerald eyes looked sad even though you stood tall, your beauty never fading. I pulled you inside and together we walked upstairs to my room. Once inside I pulled you towards me. I claimed your mouth as my own. You opened it willingly. Our tongues danced in an intimate battle for dominance that I allowed you to have. Together we moaned and panted, slowly grinding together. I slipped my knee between your legs and immediately you ground against it. I shivered at the feel of your hot breath on my ear as you panted loudly. You began to thrust against me roughly and I had to pull away. I didn't want you to come before me.  
  
"Hiei...Please...More." I claimed your mouth and began to unbutton your shirt. Your hands went to my hair. Pulling gently when I sucked your tongue. Once each button was undone I slipped the shirt off your shoulders. Exposing your pale shoulders and chest. You looked like some kind of dessert. Your body dipped in vanilla and cream. I had the sudden urge to taste you, to lick and bite you.  
  
I sucked urgently at your collarbone and then, your chest. Circling your pinkish nubs with the tip of my tongue. You tasted so very fine. I was undeserving of such a heavenly feast. Coming across a hardening nub I attached myself to it. Licking and nibbling and enjoying every moan and gasp it caused. I didn't leave the other nipple neglected. Using my forefinger and thumb I began to tweak and squeeze at the sensitive peak.  
  
Your hands found their way to my belt. Quickly the belt was discarded and my button and zipper were being undone. I released both nubs in order to effectively pull down and step out of my pants. I reached for your pants but found that you had already throwing them aside. I took the hem of my shirt into my hands and lifted it over my head. I threw it to the ground.  
  
For a moment we just stood there. Both still in our boxers. Your skin had a light red shade. Your pinkish lips were parted. I could almost see the heavy breaths that came out between them. Your hair slightly mussed. And your arousal begging to be set free. You looked so utterly fuckabale.  
  
The next moment was like magic. Like magnets, are bodies crashed together. Lips devouring. Tongues clashing. Hands roaming. Hips thrusting. The feel of electric that shot down my spine, straight to my groin, through my body, and out the tips of my toes and fingers was almost too much. I needed you. I needed to be inside of you.  
  
I hooked my fingers in the clasp your boxers. For a second you stilled. Then you overcame your surprise and I pulled them down. You stepped out of them and helped remove my own.  
  
You really are perfect. Every inch of you. From your blazing red hair, to your pale chest and stomach with a whisper of muscle, to your well manicured toes. I would never be able to get enough of you.  
  
You looked into my eyes. I felt like you could see something I would never be able to. You brought your hand to my jaw and traced your thumb to my lips. Your hand felt so good against my skin. When your lips touched mine it was different from the other kisses. It was soft. Gentle and sweet. It was everything you had to give. Everything I had wanted.  
  
Together we walked and fell on the bed. I mouths still locked in the sensual embrace. I broke free from the kiss to explore more flesh. Licking the shell of your ear from bottom to top before nibbling there. Then licked down your neck. Bite softly on my new territory. Smirking to myself at the pink and red marks I left on your milky skin. I sucked hard on your collarbone before going lower.  
  
Reaching a delectable hard nub I began suck on it lightly while squeezing the other with my thumb and forefinger. I could heard you breathe hitch and feel your body arch with every nibble and squeeze.  
  
I was so hard. I could feel your precum against my stomach. I wanted to feel you so bad. To know that you really wanted me as much as I wanted you. To finally be come whole.  
  
That night as we rested, I took a moment to reflect. Throughout my life I have been hurt by reality. Maybe it will take something I don't know is real to help heal my heart and shine on the darkness around my mind. And maybe I will finally find real love.  
  
END  
  
Please review. Thank You and please check out my other stories. 


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